11/02/18

Farewell boys.
I’m done.
I never thought the day would come. I knew it would but I refused to believe it. I don’t even know why because I should’ve believed him.
He talked about it many times, but he postponed it so much that I never got the feeling it would actually happen. Three months later, he did it.
My mind keeps going back to the day we met, how confused and scared I was standing there, on my bus station, waiting for a boy I barely knew in a car I had never seen before with another two people I had never met.
I knew that he liked me, but that was not an acceptable option because I already had someone else in a way. I knew we were going out as friends. He knew that aswell but he still fought against the friendzone as hard as he could.
He introduced me to his brother and his girlfriend, he showed me where they lived and worked. He told me about the places he goes to with his friends. He asked me about my boyfriend that wasn’t my boyfriend. He wanted to do some research on him but he gave up pretty fast.
He took me to the observatory. I was trying really hard to stand up straight because I wanted to leave a good first impression. He said something about how amazing the view was but I said it was lame. 10 minutes later he asked me why I was still looking and I explained the only alternative I had was to look at him. He smiled. He had a cocky smile.
He took me for a walk and tried to piss me off. He wanted to see a reaction so he started talking shit about zodiac because he thought that was something I believed in and not something I just did because I thought it was fun. He got nothing, I remained calm so he called me a psycho because I moved funny.
I was pretty twitchy because I was paranoid so I agreed and we laughed.
The next time I saw him, I met more of his friends. I got to know him better, he told me his story, and a lot of family issues you usually get to know after months of knowing someone. He got to know me. He got scared for a few moments, I could tell. I always knew how to bring out the weight my words carried.
The third time I saw him he crossed a few lines and we had a fight. He told me he was leaving. I didn’t sleep much that night.
The fourth time was my mistake. I pushed him away in the wrong moment and I knew what was coming.
We didn’t talk for a while.
After that we only met once, so I could meet his dog. He promised I would see him again. That was September 8.


On November 1, I got paranoid. It was around 9pm when I started feeling uncomfortable, I kept losing my train of thought, my hands started fidgeting. I didn’t know what to do so I went to bed early and hoped for the best, thinking it was all because I spent all day indoors and I lacked fresh air.
I woke up early the next day to see an instagram story I didn’t expect. It crossed my mind it was another picture of the sunset or another view from the top of a nearby mountain. It was a view from an airplane. “Farewell boys. I’m done.”
It didn’t break my heart even though I used to think it would. I just hope he isn’t sad anymore. I know he was, and I know I was one of the reasons.
I know it’s partly my fault.
But I really wish it wasn’t.

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